Self abuse.

EDIT: This post I wrote about two weeks ago. I was drunk, feeling shitty and it hurt to write, to relive and dwell upon. I'm leaving it as is, not the funnest of posts, but I want you to tell you about what happened.

"Self abuse. I'm not talking about this in the emo way, and as much as I'm a fan of repeated bouts of onanism I don't mean that either. I mean I've been torturing myself by keeping up to date with what K is up to on facebook/twitter. Torturing myself by imagining everything that she's been up to, dragging my own ego through the shit.

To those of you who are new, I've been getting over a girl called K. I've been a hell of a lot better since mid Jan when this all kicked off but then Valentines weekend kinda threw me back a little. I knew she was sharing it, probably loved up with another man. I've been lacking closure on the whole thing. And I need it. I need it to move on. I'm a thinker and I can't escape my own imagination, the tortuous side that's there in all of us. But there's a reason for this.

K cheated on me, she cheated on me a few times. Particularly with one guy, a minor celeb who she is now going out with. This kills me. Why? Because she was clearly weighing the two of us up and I lost. She deemed him the better man. I suppose she succumbed to the celebrity friends, the huge fucking ego of this guy, the status, the destructive energy. I know that with this guy she had a fresh start to make a go of an unhindered partnership - the lack of trust was an issue for me/us. The fact that she'd still be in contact with him was an issue. This isn't just sour grapes, if we'd have drifted apart, if she'd made it clear what the deal was I'd have adjusted to it. But that isn't what happened.

I last saw K in mid December before I went away, and during that time we spoke every day connecting again as we hadn't for weeks. I was in South America, she was away in America but we both felt like actually maybe things could work out. She said every other day that she loved me, how much I meant to her, around Xmas she was saying how she'd never honestly thought about being able to settle down with someone until me, how I got her. She hinted that she'd even said as much to her parents at a time.

Before leaving I'd asked her to make me a mix tape, as we'd made each other a few over the months. She turned up on that last night in December with two cd's, about 40 tracks. Some of it I'd not heard before, really good stuff I instantly liked. Most of them were themed about not wanting to lose a love, music as a plea, a lament - you can imagine. These I read into; the music with the things she wrote every day, brainwashing me into believing, trusting her words as warm welcoming hands reaching out to me, and subsequently caring for her again. I was really looking forward to see her when I got back. We both were.

She went out of her way to make me care.

But I knew what would happen. She'd come back to London after Xmas, see this guy who had told her before Xmas that he really cared for her, wanted to go out with her, and he'd charm her. They'd fuck, they'd get wasted, she'd forget about me. I knew this but didn't want to admit it. I didn't realise how this would play out for me in reality.

Upon my return, she blanked me. K ignored my texts for days. We arranged to meet, then she'd cancel. Then she'd suggest another day, only to ignore my texts and cancel on the day. After this I stopped trying to be a friend, to meet up as we'd talked about. My heart hurting, but my pride, my head - telling me to take the hint and ignore the weeks of words before, to pay heed to the actions now.

So that's where I am. My heart has been left hanging, twisting in a wind of fickle feeling and confusion.

I can't stop myself from looking at this guys twitter either, I see the pictures of him at her place. I see the pictures of him in my place - and it fucking hurts."

EDIT: Hello, up to date me again...

So as you can see, K did a real number on me.

I'm a shit tonne better now, I've managed to get myself out of the mentality where she's in a space in my head that's special, but I still can't believe someone could have been so fickle. And to some extent so cowardly and cruel, but she had her reasons, and she has her issues. All of which go towards me realising as much as I must have given her some cause to do what she's done, ultimately she's just about her, not the girl I thought she was. It wasn't right, it was a 'lucky escape' and I shouldn't give any time or energy to imagining what she does now.

All of this I know, but the hands of time still have some ticking to do until I'm back to me again. She's moved to a place which is right round the corner from my work (We discussed it when I was away, her words were "Lunchtime fuck is on!") and she's asked to meet up a few times. I've declined as I know what would happen. I've not moved on yet enough to see her and for it to not be painful and counter productive.

I'll leave it there.

Thanks for indulging me x