Photo Booth

I met up with Photo Booth (or 'PB') last night. For those unfamiliar with the workings of a Mac, there's a program called Photo Booth that lets you take pics of yourself with the webcam - PB had taken 6 different poses and used them all on her dating profile. It amused me because these obvs weren't taken by anyone else but herself. She'd clearly sat there for at least 10 minutes snapping away by herself, laughing, touching her mouth, looking cute, looking sultry - until she felt the pics she had were just the right mix of personality and sexiness. However to me these pictures just look retarded.

All I can see is a person sat there by themselves, acting like they're having a really good time. Looking and smiling at the lamp that's just out of shot, laughing at the joke the vase of dried flowers just told them etc.

Anyway. So I messaged her saying "Someone likes photo booth then..." She replied saying she was shocked but amused as no one else had taken such a tactless approach when saying hi. The fact she took it in the way it was meant was good, it meant she didn't take herself too seriously. Plus her profile had a few amusing things on it

I love the way an octopus swims, everything that happens in the wrists and eating strawberries and blueberries, in-fact any berry, i'd like to be a berry


Never wait until tomorrow to hug someone you could hug today, because when you give one, you get one right back your way !!!


She was obviously taking the piss. Only I didn't get to congratulate her on this as her membership had ended. We'd swapped facebook details though so arranged a drink and didn't speak from there on in basically. Which takes us to last night.


I'm not saying I believe in love at first sight, but animal attraction is something else. I've met girls where you just know straight away that you're going to fuck. That feeling is great, you've nothing to go on other than the fact you know you want to, and that there's this chemistry or something between you it's just a matter of seeing if it will be resolved. I had the opposite feeling to this with PB.

I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as she walked in.

She sat down, awkward cheek kisses and when the waiter came over to take out drinks she asked for a mineral water. I thought "Hmm, probably thirsty, she'll get a wine later maybe?" Then the waiter asked if she'd like a bottle?

"Yes please"

Fuck.

Oh dear, this isn't good.

Ok, throw in an ice breaker, let's make some small talk:

"So PB, how's all this online dating stuff working out for you? What made you decide to give it a go"

Her face goes blank and she starts to look around. A frown creeps over her forehead. A nervous laugh. After about 10 seconds (count them, that's a long time of awkwardness), I jump in with,

"I mean why not I guess right?!"

She had nothing to say, she didn't know why, she couldn't think up some random conversational stuff to say here. EVERYONE is able to answer this or at least have an opinion on it, everyone has been able to say something about it. But not PB.

"Um, I don't know why really"

And that was that, she was happy with her response and then just sat there a little.

So then I proceed to have the DRYEST date I've ever had in my life. Literally my entire life. It was just such hard work. She had no spark, nothing. She seemed to take everything I said at face value, no banter, no imagination, no jokes at all. It was at this point I remembered her profile and realised that oh my god, none of it was a joke: She actually did want to be a berry! She really did like to say things about hugs that rhymed! The girl was a fucking moron.

I wanted to leave after one drink but I couldn't do that, that was just too rude. I got another pint and then proceeded to pull teeth for the rest of it. There are numerous ridiculous things that happened but I'm falling asleep just thinking about them. I drained my drink and said,

"Right I think we'll call it a night there then"

I paid for the drinks, made polite conversation as we walked out, kissed her, said it was nice to meet her and then stifled a giggle as I crossed the road, the laugh building in me out of relief to be out of there and incredulity at how bad it was.

My friend later took great joy laughing at me saying I deserved it, that it was about time I had some bad date experiences for a change (she's just had a run of bad dates). It made me realise how damn lucky I've been these past few years.

And I have been lucky. I'm an amiable guy, I like to ask questions, I like to find out about people, what makes them tick, to find out what in life matters to them - I don't go on dates and talk endlessly about myself, quite the opposite - I'm not keen on talking about myself at all. Each and every date I've gone on we've got on, had decent enough conversations, got drunk and invariably kissed. There were two occasions where there was no kissing, one was my choice: the girl looked nothing like her pictures and was 45 minutes late. The other: we had four pints and got on, but she just wasn't into me. So now I could add PB to this list.

However.....that wasn't the end of my night there. Oh no.

It's at this point I'll break off, you all go and make a cup of tea or something and when I come back I'll introduce to you my friend who I've been messing around with on and off (a lot more off than on) for a few years now...